Humbled

Have you ever stopped to think about what God has called you to? I am a called church worker and I have been called into full time ministry. But more and more I realize that doesn't even scratch the surface. From the beginning of my life, I mean the VERY beginning, God wired me a certain special way to accomplish things that he had in mind. When you really stop to think about that, that God has designed you and only you to accomplish certain things, it is a little overwhelming.

Looking back over my life (almost 28 years) it is now easy to see how every desire in my heart and choice I have made has led me to where I am now and into the ministry that is my life. This week I have really been thinking about that and I have to tell you that I am overwhelmed and humbled. I am overwhelmed by the fact that God set out such important and life impacting things for me to do and be a part of, that He created me for things such as these, and has led me to carry them through. Nothing in my life has been chance, no I am confident that each and every step has been carefully laid out before me.

Now this is not be tooting my own horn and sharing what an amazing creation I am and how many good things I have done. I just feel the need to write out how I am feeling right now, which is truly humbled. So if you're choosing to read this blog of mine (which I'm not very good at keeping up with) please bear with me.

For as long as I can remember, the desire of my heart has been to help people. When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. That was my plan until high school, when a few other careers entered my mind. Into college more careers came up, but the constant was that I wanted to help people. I decided that I couldn't be a doctor because I wasn't so great at math and then eliminated myself from all science related fields as well. I felt like I settled in picking a college and a major (Elementary Education), and all the while thought I'd use it as a fall back, because I wanted to help people. God lead me to change majors to Christian Education and even then, I didn't want to work in a church, I wanted to get in the trenches and help hurting people. Even up until I was on my DCE internship, I didn't think I wanted to work for a church.

God worked on my heart and helped me to recognize and accept my Call into parish ministry. It wasn't quite the "in the trenches helping hurting people" kind of helping people, but I was helping people. (And God did provide some people who I got in the trenches with, and I learned a lot from them) I was doing what I knew God wanted me to do and it was a great feeling.

Then I heard a radio ad for a Citizen's Academy with the Deschutes County Sheriff's Office. I asked my friend Rachel about it cause she had recently started working for DCSO. It sounded like fun (perhaps due to my interest in forensic science as a high schooler or my LOVE of Law & Order) so I signed up. I really enjoyed the academy and then when we were just a couple weeks from being done, I was looking ahead in my class notebook and saw that a Police Chaplain was coming to talk to our class.

I had no idea there was such a thing as police chaplains, and I didn't even know what that really meant, but from the brief description, it sounded like helping hurting people and being Jesus to people including law enforcement personnel and the community. My heart stirred within me and the next day I emailed Jim Crowley to find out more. As I'm typing this, I am amazed that Jim got back to me so quickly and was able to meet with me so quickly. He is one busy man so I don't know how he fit me in then. I guess that was part of the plan.

I met with Jim and he told me more about COPC and he made one thing very clear, police chaplaincy is something you have to be called to. If God isn't calling you to it, then you aren't going to be able to do it. I prayed about it and really felt like God was calling me to chaplaincy. I had a new love and appreciation for our local law enforcement and wanted to give back to them for all they gave for me. And I knew that this would be truly helping hurting people, right there in the trenches. So I jumped in. It was November when I began the application process (which took months!).

At the end of February 2010 my world came to a crashing halt. My Dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly. At the end of that horrible week I got an email from Jim asking me to come in for my interview with the COPC board. The timing couldn't have been worse, but I went, and did pretty well controlling my emotions during my interview. It was a little ironic that at the time I was interviewing, it was me who really could have used a chaplain. A few weeks later my background check was finished and I was welcomed on board.

The next year I spent attending monthly training and trying to shadow on calls, but never got out much. In January of 2011 I attended a week long training with the International Conference of Police Chaplains. One day we had Pain Behind the Badge training, a full day class on police suicide. That training sealed the deal for me on this chaplain thing. More officers commit suicide every year than die in the line of duty and that is so needless and terrible. If I could use the gifts and heart that God had given me to be a resource to these men and women and in doing so help them to choose life, I wanted to do it.

A couple months after that training I met with Jim to talk about ramping up my chaplain work. I asked if I could start doing ride alongs most every weekend. After a good conversation about what that means and all the dangers involved (and promising not to get hurt), Jim said okay, that he would talk to the patrol captains at BPD and DCSO and I could start riding every weekend. So I went out and bought some new boots (cause I learned in my conversation with Jim that it's important to have proper footwear if you're running around with the cops :) ) and was so excited to do more chaplain work. I really felt like God was confirming this path and had also given me the green light.

Four days later I received a phone call from a church in South Dakota wanting to interview me for a youth ministry position. I said yes, although I was not keen on moving because I was going to be a very active police chaplain in Bend. Well the interview went great and I guess they liked me because just a few days after that they extended me a Call. I was frustrated because I really thought that I had discerned what God wanted me to do and now there was another option on the table. So me being stubborn said that I was not moving there unless they had chaplains.

Well it didn't take long to find out they did have chaplains with the RCPD and after much struggling & stubbornness I knew God was calling me east. A quick trip to SD confirmed that and I accepted the call. I jumped right in with the chaplaincy and had lots of questions for my Lt. (and probably have been driving him crazy with all of them) and started riding along with the officers within a month of landing in Rapid City. My real job was awesome and my Pastor was very supportive of me being involved in Chaplain Ministry.

It was while I was home on vacation that the unthinkable happened, a fatal shooting involving three RCPD Officers. All I could think of when I heard the news of one dead and two seriously injured was, "I should be there." Three days later I was back in town and headed for the PD. That weekend I spent several hours just hanging out at the station, riding with officers and joining them for guard duty for their brothers at the hospital and funeral home, attending a procession, viewing, wake, and a funeral. The next week started with news of the loss of our second officer and has continued with another viewing, funeral, and procession.

It was after the funeral yesterday that I stopped and God brought to my mind all that I have just written. I am here in Rapid City for just a time as this. God has used my stubbornness, my passions, my skills, and my heart to bring me to this place at this time for his purpose. I am humbled that God has called me here at this time to serve the men and women of the RCPD.

I do not have a savior complex, I do not think that I am here to save people or to save the department. I do not think that I will single handily get them through this time of tragedy. And I am very much aware that if I wasn't here, they would carry on fine without me. But I am truly honored and humbled that God has put me here to be a part of the healing and that he trusts me to serve these men and women during this time. I thank God for every minute I am able to spend with these guys and that I am able to just be present with them during this time.

Even three years ago, I never would have imagined that God would lead me here. But to look back on my life and see that God was preparing and shaping me every step of the way to be where I am right now, it amazing. I am overwhelmed that God has led me here at this time and has put this desire in my heart to help hurting people and serve our law enforcement officers. I pray that God would keep me mindful of this and keep me humble so that He can truly work through me to accomplish his purposes.

Humbled to be His vessel,

Lorien